I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is one of those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto the belt or purse. I don’t want one, so I’m wearing my garage door opener.

I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn’t like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age, and call it ‘Pumping Rust’.

I’ve gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That’s when your chest is falling into your drawers!

When people see a cat’s litter box, they always say, ‘Oh, have you got a cat?’ Just once I want to say, “No, it’s for company!”

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write 911!

Birds of a feather flock together… and then poop on your car.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find anything lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice that the Roman numerals for 40 are XL.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you must have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble..

Did you ever notice that when you put the two words ‘THE’ and ‘IRS’ Together it spells ‘THEIRS’!

And then there’s the question of aging gracefully – eventually you reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know why I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads had deep potholes.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable, and thank heaven, you no longer need to take the train in to Manhattan every day to get to work – your wife has enough jobs to do right at home!

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me, they’re cramming for their finals! (Should they be learning Hebrew?)

As for me, I’m just hoping God grades on the curve.

Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.

AMEN

submitted by the Duncan Trueman Chapter (59)